There’s a societal expectation placed on women that rarely gets said out loud, but I think that most of us have always felt.

Be softer. More agreeable. Less intense. Easier to love.

It’s not necessarily a rule, but more of an unspoken suggestion, and you’ll see it in the way people respond to you. In what gets rewarded, and what gets resisted. In the slight shift in someone’s demeanour towards you when you speak too directly, feel too deeply, or take up a little more space than expected. 

And so, as we grow up, and become more aware of these collective conjectures, many of us begin to edit ourselves accordingly. We round out our edges, dilute our opinions, and soften our tone, all because it feels safer and more palatable for everyone around us.

I’ve noticed it most in dating, and the unspoken narrative that to be loved, especially by men, you need to be agreeable.  

Not too emotional, but not too detached.
Not too strong, but not too passive.
Capable, but not intimidating.
Independent, but still in need of saving.

It’s become a balancing act of performance that is exhausting to maintain. In this game of survival, we choose to soften. All because we’ve been taught that in order to be loved, we are required to fit into society’s box of expectations.

But here’s what I’ve come to understand in my 24 years on this planet: Softness is not the same as worthiness, and hardness is not synonymous with being unlovable.

You are allowed to be direct. You are allowed to be decisive. You are allowed to know exactly what you want. You are allowed to be someone who doesn’t bend easily.

I think that as women, we are often misunderstood. And funnily enough, it's often by the same men who are telling us they understand us more than we understand ourselves. Which is more than evident in the recent Louis Theroux documentary "Inside the Manosphere." We women must be told what we want, because half the time we have not an ounce of an idea.

I believe the real issue is that we’ve been conditioned to associate love with ease. I’d hate to know the number of women who have heard the words "You are here to make my life easier" spoken by their male counterpart. Completely missing the point that it is a partnership, and that he is not the axis on which our entire world revolves.

Living in a city like Melbourne, I’m surrounded by women who are building full, expansive lives. Following their passions admirably through careers, creative projects, businesses, and building some incredible communities. There is a sublime strength in that, and I feel fortunate to be living in a time where these different ways of being are not only visible, but possible.

These women are living proof that we can exist as whatever version of ourselves we want, and still live a rich, meaningful life. It is almost a refusal in itself, to apologise for wanting more. And yet, even here, there’s still that lingering pressure to soften. To be less intimidating, and more “easy going.” That it is the ultimate prize to be “chosen” by someone, because it means we have something to be desired and valued. But being chosen at the expense of yourself is not love. It’s compromise parading around as connection.

The right kind of love doesn’t require you to be smaller. It doesn’t ask you to second-guess your instincts or downplay your personality. It doesn’t reward you for being more convenient and learning when to stay silent. It meets you where you are, fully. Not just the rounded corners, but the sharp ones too. Real connection isn’t built on how easily you can be handled. It’s built on how deeply you can be understood.

However, this isn’t a rejection of softness altogether. I believe that some of our most powerful qualities as women stem from it. Our emotional intelligence. Our instinct to nurture, to read between the lines, and hold space for others in a way that feels both intuitive and deliberate. It’s what shapes the way we lead, the way we love, the way we show up as friends, partners, and mothers. Softness, when it is chosen rather than performed, is not a weakness. It’s an incredible strength. But it shouldn’t be the only version of us that is allowed to exist.

There is nothing inherently more lovable about being softer. Softness can be beautiful, of course. But so can a woman who knows herself well enough not to mould into something she’s not. You don’t need to become more digestible to be loved. You don’t need to be less of yourself to make someone stay. And if someone requires that of you, they are not the right “one” for you. Because they are responding to a version of you that exists only in their mind.

I think the goal shouldn’t be to make ourselves easier to love. It should be to trust that the right person won’t be overwhelmed by your depth, standards, self-assurance or your “muchness."

Instead they’ll love you for who you are, and appreciate you for the person you are not. They’ll look at you with curiosity, and try their best to understand every complicated aspect of your being.

They’ll meet you where you are, without asking you to soften first.